Review: My Horizontal Life - Chelsea Handler

Published: June 6, 2005
Publisher: Bloomsbury USA
Format: E-book
Source: Amazon
Challenge: 2011 E-book Challenge & 100 Books in a Year

In this raucous collection of true-life stories, actress and comedian Chelsea Handler recounts her time spent in the social trenches with that wild, strange, irresistible, and often gratifying beast: the one night stand.   

You've either done it or know someone who has:  The one-night stand, the familiar outcome of a night spent at a bar, sometimes the sole payoff for your friend's irritating wedding, or the only relief from a disastrous vacation.  Often embarrassing and uncomfortable, occasionally outlandish, but most times just a necessary and irresistible evil, the one-night stand is a social rite as old as sex itself and as common as a barstool.   

Enter Chelsea Handler.  Gorgeous, sharp and anything but shy, Chelsea loves men and lots of them.  My Horizontal Life chronicles her romp through the different bedrooms of a variety of suitors, a no-holds-barred account of what can happen between a man and a sometimes very intoxicated, outgoing woman during one night of passion.  From her short fling with a Vegas stripper to her even shorter dalliance with a well-endowed little person, from her uncomfortable tryst with a cruise ship performer to her misguided rebound with a man who likes to play leather dress-up, Chelsea recalls the highs and lows of her one-night stands with hilarious honesty.  Encouraged by her motley collection of friends (aka: her partners in crime) but challenged by her family members (who at times find themselves a surprise part of the encounter), Chelsea hits bottom and bounces back, unafraid to share the gritty details.  My Horizontal Life is one guilty pleasure you won't be ashamed to talk about in the morning.

My Thoughts

Oh Chelsea, you kill me.  You are brilliantly hilarious, yet you say things that I only have the cajones to think.

I have yet to read a Chelsea Handler book that I do not love, and do not spend the entire time laughing so hard I pee my pants.  There were so many times while reading this that I thought, "seriously, how do you end up in situations like this?"  Maybe I'm sheltered -- which doesn't sound like it is really all that bad.  I can live vicariously through Chelsea's awful experiences and never really have to deal with them myself.  

Anyway, if you are a Chelsea Handler fan and you haven't read this yet -- I don't know what you are waiting for.  If you are not a Chelsea Handler fan -- crawl out from under that rock and check her out.  You obviously don't know how to laugh yet -- so let her teach you

.Favorite Quotes

"Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse's hat on while your father, who is also naked, is chasing her with a bandanna around his neck, is reason to put yourself up for adoption."

"I fall a lot, but other than that I can pretty much control my liquor."

"The great thing about sleeping with a midget is that first you get to have sex with them, and then you can use them as a pillow."

"Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a "party favor" - always fun to be around but she really doesn't have an patience for suffering unless it's her own."

"I never say the things I really want to.  If I did, I'd have no friends."

"You know you've slept around a lot when you walk into your bank and see someone you've had sex with on a life sized poster for 'Small Business Loans.'"

"There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers."

"I'd have to be Helen Keller not to have seen that one coming."

"There are three words that gross me out: "panties", "moist", and "slick".  They all seem like words a child molester would use.  Together."

My Ratings

Cover: 5/5

Characters: 5/5

Writing Style: 5/5

Plot: 5/5

Ending: 5/5

Overall: 5/5   

Happy Reading!